| i love going home after a long week of school, but sometimes i just hate going home…the constant bickering of why aren’t you studying, what are you doing with your life, and the endless forever nag nag naging. i feel like i will never be good enough for her, good enough for myself, and good enough for other people. that persistent thoughts to judgement keep clouding my freaking mind, and it doesn’t help when my mind is already all a jumble and i can’t make sense of it myself to begin with. thinking about thinking (metacognition), thats all i do. i wish i can stop thinking so much. thinking about what people are thinking, thinking about whatever the heck there is to think about in this damn world. i wish i could redo my whole college life, from the moment i graduated high school going into the summer, and orientation, and first year and summer and second year and summer now. you would think that high school and college are different, but they’re so similar in some ways. sure, different senery, no parents, different people, but honestly, the whole different people concept, it feels the same. i believe that if you choose one kid from high school, you can still find that same type of kid in college. it’s not so different, if you think about it long enough. i wish i didn’t fcuk around so badly since college started. i used to be smart, i used to hardworking, i used to be on top of my game. what happened now? what made it so different now? what made everything seem so unreachable and so damn fucking difficult? what made me so behind to becoming what i wanted to be, a damn freaking nurse. i want to work in a hospital. i want to help people. i want to be the change i want to see in the world. a person can only do so much and a person can only ask another for so much. i need to get going. i keep telling myself : CSU Fullerton, here i come…but honestly, what have i done to actually put myself on the track to get going? fear, rejection, failure, disappointment, etc etc, i believe is dragging me down. yeah everyone is scared of all that, i definitly am, and also freaking terrified to death of all that.. but what do i have to lose now? you can’t get anything you want if your always scared of future. what do i have in riverside anymore? i feel…nothing. i dread heading back to riverside after staying at home, but sometimes i cant wait to go back to riverside. i guess its more like a love hate relationship thing between riverside and i. sometimes i just wish i had a time traveling machine so i can redo what i fucked up on, but i know there will be consequences resulting from it and changing one thing from history can ultimately change the future for the better or worse. and its kind of selfish if i do have one because i would be changing everyone elses future also. |
